Not Like This
by AndAllThatMishigas
Summary: Abbey's life with Jed and Elizabeth in London is nothing like she expected. It takes a lot of time and a lot of strength, but she finds a way to fix it. Bartlet History 12.


Author's Note: this monster of a fic took me quite a long time and quite a lot of pain to write. I've been planning it for a while because it's extremely important to both Jed and Abbey's character development, and I think it says a lot about how their relationship grew and changed. Hopefully you'll all like it. The next installment is coming soon, and it will be much more up to my usually fluff standard.

 **Not Like This**

 _I love my husband. I love my daughter. This was my decision. This was my choice. No regrets. Because I love my husband and I love my daughter._ Abbey opened her eyes and looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. It was almost two in the morning, and her green eyes, rimmed with dark circles, were dull with defeat.

The bathroom door opened slowly. Jed shuffled in, squinting in the bright light. "Can't sleep?"

She turned and pasted a small smile on her lips. "I'm fine. Go back to bed. You've got class in a few hours."

He nodded and leaned in to kiss her cheek before turning around and going back to sleep.

When the door closed behind him, Abbey turned back to the mirror. "Seven more months," she said with a heavy sigh. She stared at herself for a few more minutes, silently repeating her mantra. She'd done that a lot lately. And just as she did every time she couldn't sleep, Abbey left the bathroom and went down the hall to Elizabeth's room.

The baby was sleeping. She was almost six months old and finally sleeping through the night. Abbey reached down into the crib and softly stroked the soft, pale skin and wispy dark hair. "I love you, Lizzie," she whispered. "I'm so glad you're here, baby doll. I don't know what I'd do without you." Elizabeth moved in her sleep and Abbey quickly removed her hand, praying the infant wouldn't wake up. Thankfully, she just shifted her little arm a bit and continued to slumber peacefully. Abbey took that as a sign that she should try to go back to bed too.

She got back under the covers as silently as she could, trying not to disturb Jed. But he was still half awake. He turned and pulled her into his arms. "Hey," he whispered.

"Hi," she replied.

"Try to sleep, Abb," he said with a yawn.

She nuzzled into his chest and did her best to get sleep to claim her. It had been elusive for over a week now. She knew why, but so far she had been reluctant to acknowledge it. Jed had noticed, obviously. But Abbey just blamed it on Liz's strange sleep schedule. Seven more months. She could survive seven more months.

Two weeks later, Abbey still hadn't overcome her insomnia. And Elizabeth was sleeping perfectly well at this point. Abbey no longer had a scapegoat. But luckily Jed hadn't noticed much anymore. Between teaching entry-level economics classes and working on his Master's thesis, he was too exhausted to notice his wife sitting awake beside him every night.

Jed came home one day in early December, extremely excited. He ran up the stairs to their flat, burst in the door, nearly tripped over the cat, and grabbed Abbey, spinning her around in the air.

She shrieked and laughed. "What was that for?"

"I just got the best news!"

"Tell me!" she replied, beaming at his joyful expression.

"So I was going over the final parts of my thesis outline with Professor Meade before the holiday break, and he said that my arguments about Southeast Asia are worth exploring further and that, if I want, he would be willing to supervise a dissertation about it for a PhD! He said it might even make a good book."

Abbey felt a knot form in her stomach, but she maintained the happy façade. "That's fantastic, babe!" Maybe the other shoe wouldn't drop. But of course, it did.

"In one more year, I could get my doctorate in Economics and end up with a book deal! I can't believe it." Jed couldn't stop grinning.

"So I guess we should talk to Mrs. Douwes about extending our lease for another year," Abbey noted pragmatically. She swallowed hard, trying to ignore the feeling that she had been dunked in ice water.

"Really? You sure?" he asked, surprised that she had brought it up on her own. "When we decided to come here, we said two years. Another year is a big commitment."

She shrugged. "One more year isn't that much of a difference. We came here so that you could get the best possible education in Economics. You have the opportunity to get a PhD from the world's foremost authorities in the field, Jed. You can't give that up just because I miss the way American Coca-Cola tastes."

Jed felt like he would burst from happiness. He gave his wife a big squeeze and planted a big kiss on her lips. "You really are the greatest, you know that? I have no idea how I was so blessed to marry you."

Abbey tried to smile, but it felt wrong. So she just hugged him close, hiding her face in his shoulder. Jed gave up his life's plan to be with her. They were married with their perfect daughter because of what he sacrificed. This was the least Abbey could do in return. Besides, a year and a half wasn't so long. She could survive eighteen months.

They spent Christmas in New Hampshire that year, and Abbey was beyond grateful to be back with family. Everyone doted on baby Elizabeth. But the two weeks went by far too quickly, and they were back in snowy London before she knew it. And all of Abbey's problems came back.

After another month or so, Abbey's insomnia had left her so exhausted, she practically passed out every evening at ten. It was all she could do to make sure Liz was fed and bathed and cared for. She was just so tired all the time. She had given up denying at this point. Each time she left the baby with Mrs. Douwes so she could go shopping at the market, Abbey daydreamed about taking a cab to the airport and flying home to Massachusetts. But the idea of leaving Elizabeth made her feel ill. And she would never take Liz away from Jed. As miserable as their life in London was for her, Abbey loved Jed with all her heart and she would never hurt him by taking their daughter from him. She couldn't go. She knew she couldn't. But she also knew that she was slowly dying every day she stayed.

By March, Abbey had fallen into a deep depression. She barely ate. The only thing that got her out of bed each day was Liz. Caring for her daughter was all that that kept her going. She had taken to sitting on the couch and crying while Liz had her afternoon nap each day.

Abbey was doing exactly that when Jed came home early one day. She heard the key in the door and jumped up, quickly wiping her eyes. Jed was smiling until he saw that her face was red and puffy. "Abbey, what's wrong?"

"You're home early. And you're wearing a suit," she said, ignoring his question. She cursed her hoarse voice. She hadn't wanted to bother him. Because what could he do? He was busy with school. But now he'd probably do something self-sacrificing and make her feel even worse.

He gave her a strange look. "Of course. I wanted to tell you this morning, but I didn't want to wake you before I left. I got us tickets to see Ginger Rogers in Mame tonight. Mrs. Douwes already agreed to watch Liz. We have dinner reservations in an hour."

Abbey's brow furrowed. "What's the occasion?"

Jed blinked at her in surprise. "It's your birthday."

She felt like she was about to be sick. All the days had run together so much that she hadn't even realized that it was March 10th already. She had been twenty-four years old all day and hadn't even realized it.

Jed had noticed that she hadn't been herself in quite a while, but he just assumed that it was because she was so busy with Elizabeth. But this was something more. He walked over to her and sat her on the couch beside him. "What's going on, honey?"

It was the first time in a long time that he had looked at her like this. With real concern in his eyes. The first time in almost a year that she had looked at him without trying to hide. And the walls broke. She let the tears fall anew, burying her face in his sweater while she sobbed.

He didn't know what to do. He just held her tight and gently rubbed her back. "What can I do, Abbey? What's wrong?"

"There's nothing you can do," she choked out.

"Abigail, why are you crying?" he asked, this time a little more firmly.

She wasn't ready to answer him yet. She didn't want to ever answer that question. The last thing she wanted was to make him feel guilty for pursuing his dreams. She wanted this for him. She wanted him to have everything. Because he had given her everything. Being married to him and having Elizabeth was everything. She should be happy each and every day to have them in her life. It was her own fault she couldn't do anything except cry. Jed didn't need to feel like that was his fault.

It took a moment of very concentrated deep breaths, but Abbey was able to make herself stop crying. She wiped her eyes for the last time and sat up to look at her husband. "Let's go have a good time, okay?"

He looked at her with a very worried expression. "What's the matter, honey?"

She shook her head. "I've spent way too much time dwelling on that. I just want to have a fun birthday with my husband." She pressed a kiss to his lips. "Thank you for the theater tickets. Give me twenty minutes to change and fix my face." Abbey stood up and went into the bedroom without letting him reply.

From down the hall, a wailing cry erupted from behind a closed door. Jed stood up and went into the nursery to tend to Liz. She was standing up, holding onto the bars of her crib. At eleven months old, she had gotten quite good at standing on her own. Not quite walking yet, but they knew she'd get there very soon. "Hey Lizzie," he greeted. He picked her up and she immediately calmed down. "I seem to have a wealth of crying ladies today."

Liz babbled incoherently and clung to her father's neck. Jed pressed a kiss to her dark brown hair as he wandered around the room with her. "Baba," she said, leaning back slightly and pressing her little hand into Jed's cheek.

"Hungry? Okay. Let's get a bottle for you while your mommy is getting dressed." He carried her into the kitchen and leaned against the sink as he fed her.

By the time Liz had finished the bottle and been properly burped, Abbey had joined them in the kitchen. Seeing Jed take such good care of their daughter warmed her heart. It felt good.

"Lizzie, look how pretty your mommy looks!" Jed said. He loved seeing Abbey in red, not only because she looked so good in it, but because he knew she liked the way she felt in a red dress. He nuzzled Liz with his nose, making her hazel eyes crinkle as she giggled.

Abbey beamed at the two of them. She grabbed her purse from the kitchen table. "Ready?"

Jed nodded. After putting out some fresh food for Lucky, they took Elizabeth downstairs to their kind landlady. Mrs. Douwes cooed over the baby, as always. From there, the Bartlets got a cab to the fancy French restaurant for Abbey's birthday dinner.

They had duck for dinner with a very expensive bottle of Bordeaux, and the waiters sang Happy Birthday as Abbey blew out the candle on her soufflé. They went across the street to the theater, where they thoroughly enjoyed seeing the legendary Ginger Rogers in such a fun musical.

When they got home, they picked up Liz and took their sleeping baby back to her crib. She stayed asleep all the while. Jed and Abbey both kissed her goodnight and closed the door tight.

"So there's still another hour left on your birthday, Mrs. Bartlet. What would you like to do?"

Abbey grinned. She was happy. It felt good to be happy. "I'd like you to open another bottle of wine while I take a shower. I would have done it earlier, but I know how annoyed you get when you have to wait for me."

"I wouldn't have been annoyed today. I kinda sprung this on you, so I would have understood if you had to take a little longer to get ready. But that's what I get for surprising you."

She kissed him on the cheek. "It was a great surprise. Thank you, again. But whether or not you would have gotten annoyed earlier, I doesn't change the fact that I haven't showered today. I'll just be ten minutes."

Jed found a bottle of Chianti he knew she liked and brought it to the bedroom. He left the wine on the dresser and began changing out of his suit. Abbey came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her body, her hair dripping down her back. Jed looked at her with a hungry, lustful expression. She smirked.

"Your hair's wet," he noted.

"So it is." She moved to the dresser to pour the wine.

"You know how that turns me on." He made his way across the room to join her.

"Yeah, why is that?" she asked, handing him a glass of wine. They clinked glasses and each took a sip.

Jed swallowed his wine before replying, "Sensory association."

"Oh?"

"The first time we had sex, you remember? You ran after me in that rainstorm and we got soaking wet. So that's what I think of whenever I see you with wet hair."

Abbey sighed at him and glared.

"What? I shouldn't associate your wet hair with sex?"

"No, it's a good association. But now whenever my hair is wet, sex is all I'm going to think of, too."

Jed laughed and had another sip of wine. "Happy birthday, babe. Valde te amo."

Abbey downed the rest of the wine in her glass and placed it back on the dresser, letting her towel fall to the ground as she did so. She hadn't quite lost all the baby weight, but when Jed looked at her like that, what did she care? She grinned proudly at the lust she saw in his eyes. "How about you give me a _really_ happy birthday, boyfriend?"

Jed practically choked on his wine as he drank it in two gulps. He grabbed his wife and moved her to the bed with an aggressive growl. Abbey's throaty cackle was cut off by his hungry lips devouring hers.

From then on, things got much better. Abbey refused to let herself fall that low ever again. It served no purpose, and thinking back, she was a little angry at herself that she had given in to all those crying spells.

She got up early each and every day to make breakfast for Jed before he left for class. He was getting busier and busier, now that he was nearly ready to graduate with his Masters. They made sure they had breakfast together each morning, and Abbey did her best to stay up to greet him when he came home late each night. Now that Liz had a more regular schedule, their sex life had improved as well. It was good stress release for Jed and it was a nice distraction for Abbey.

But during the days, while Jed was busy with school, Abbey still found that the temptation to slip back into the darkness was all too real. She became desperate to fill her days with something, anything. She tried reading, but her mind wandered. She tried teaching Liz, but the baby was too young to do much of anything for more than about fifteen minutes. Even their cat, Lucky, got sick of her, choosing to hide under the bed instead of be cuddled on the couch for hours on end. Mrs. Douwes, the landlady, gently suggested Abbey get a hobby. Painting was out; between the baby and the cat, the toxic materials were too much of a risk. In a moment of manic desperation, Abbey spent far too much money buying an upright piano. It showed up one day, to Jed's surprise.

"What the hell is this?" he asked, following the burly delivery men into the flat.

"I bought a piano," she replied simply, directing the men to where she wanted the instrument set up.

"Why?"

"Because I wanted one. Music is important. I used to play when I was little, so I want to get back into it. And I want Liz to learn to play and to grow up in a musical home."

Jed saw a fire in her eyes that told him not to argue. She'd been so erratic lately. This was just the next in a series of insane whims for his wife. So he just told her, "That sounds great." He also didn't ask how they could afford a piano, considering their rent was paid by his grandfather and the rest of their budget was based on the scant amount of money they got in loans.

Abbey became obsessed with the piano. Anything to keep her focused on something other than her own thoughts. But it wasn't working. Nothing worked. She had spent months in a deep depression because she had stopped trying to be happy. Now she was trying to be happy. She was trying so hard, it felt forced. Everything felt forced.

While working on learning a Gershwin tune, she hit one wrong note. That E instead of an E flat broke the camel's back. For the first time in the three weeks since her birthday, Abbey couldn't hold back the tears. She slammed her hands on the keyboard and sobbed and screamed in frustration.

From the other room, Elizabeth heard the loud noises and got scared. She started to cry and wail as well. Abbey paused to listen to her daughter's cries. After almost a year, she'd gotten very good at knowing if her daughter was hungry, tired, bored, or upset. This was an upset cry. Abbey took a deep breath and wiped her eyes before going into Liz's room.

"What's the matter, baby doll?" she asked, picking the baby up out of the crib. Liz just kept crying. "I know, Lizzie. Life is hard. So you know what? I'm just going to hold you, but if you want to cry, just go ahead. But just know that it does really help anything." Abbey wandered around the nursery with the crying baby in her arms. Eventually, Liz tired herself out. She fell asleep clutching her mother's hair in her tiny fists. Abbey carefully extricated herself from Elizabeth's grasp and put her back in the crib.

Abbey sat in the rocking chair and watched her sleeping child for a little while. If nothing else, she had Liz. All through the dark despair of the last six months, at least she could focus on Liz. As much as she wanted to run away or climb into bed and never get up, she could never—and would never—abandon her daughter. But this was never what she wanted. She had been so ambitious. Top of her department at Notre Dame. She had memorized the bones in the human body by the time she was nine years old. She had gotten accepted at Harvard Medical School. She gave it up for Jed. And here she was, almost two years since her graduation from college, dying on the vine. In damp, depressing London. Of all the things she pictured for her life, this was not part of it.

The phone rang in the kitchen, and Abbey jumped up to answer it before it woke the baby. "Hello?"

The voice of her mother-in-law sounded on the other end. "Hi, Abbey. Is Jed there?"

Abbey frowned. Mary Bartlet's voice didn't sound very good. "No, he's at school right now, Mom. Is everything alright?"

"I wanted to call and tell him myself, but I think maybe it would be better for you to tell him. He'll handle it better coming from you."

Now Abbey was getting worried. "What happened?"

Mary took a deep breath. Her voice cracked again as the tears started anew. "Josiah passed away early this morning. The maid found him when she arrived a few hours ago."

"Oh my god." Abbey felt her heart break. Jed's grandfather had been one of the most important influences in his life, and he had been the most wonderful man. "Did the doctors find a cause of death?"

"They said it was an aneurysm. He went in his sleep. No pain or suffering."

"I can't believe he's gone," Abbey said quietly, slumping into a chair at the kitchen table.

"The funeral will be next week. At the farm in Manchester," Mary informed her.

"We'll be there," Abbey assured. "Either Jed or I will call later with our travel plans. I know Jed will want to say goodbye. I do, too." She ran her free hand through her hair and tried to keep from crying. "How's Dad doing?"

"Well, you know John. He's not a very expressive man. He went to his office. But I called Mrs. Landingham and told her to keep her eye on him. We'll be going to the farm tomorrow to start working on the funeral arrangements. John's brothers and sister will all be arriving in the next few days. John is better when there's something to focus on. And it will be good to have the rest of the family around."

"We'll be there as soon as we can. Anything you need, I'll be there."

"Thank you, Abbey."

Abbey sat in the kitchen for a while. Lucky wove his fluffy white body between her legs, nuzzling her ankles. She leaned over and picked him up to give him a snuggle. Glancing at the clock beside the fridge, Abbey saw that Jed wouldn't be home for another few hours. Lord only knew how she was going to fill the time. Lucky struggled and slipped out of her arms. Abbey scoffed as he wandered away. Typical of a cat.

Jed came up the stairs to the flat a few minutes after five. There was a conspicuous silence in the hallway. He couldn't think of a time in the last few weeks that he hadn't heard Abbey playing the piano as he approached. He went inside and found his wife sitting on the sofa, staring off into space.

"Hey there," he called out tentatively.

She whipped her head around to him and sprung up from the couch. "Hi. How was your day?" Her voice sounded strained, but there was nothing she could do about it.

"Fine. I got a lot of editing done today. I should be ready for a final draft in about a week or so. How was your day?" he asked, coming over to kiss her.

Abbey kissed her husband and gave him a sad smile. "Have a seat, babe."

Jed sat down, a worried frown crossing his expression. "What's going on, Abb?"

She took a seat beside him and took his hands in hers. "Your mother called a while ago. She said I should be the one to tell you."

"Oh god. What happened?"

"Jed, your grandfather passed away early this morning."

His hands went limp in hers. She wasn't sure if she should let go or not. His gaze turned unfocused as his mind drifted far away.

Abbey just watched him with a furrowed brow, waiting for him to do something. She had never dealt with a death in the family with him, but she knew from experience that when something really bothered him, he would go for a walk by himself so he could sort through his feelings alone. Perhaps that's what he was doing there.

He took a deep breath and turned his attention back to her, giving her hands a squeeze. "When's the funeral?"

"Next week, when all your aunts and uncles come to Manchester. I told your mother we'd be there. But I wasn't sure when you'd be able to leave, or how long we would stay," she answered softly.

Jed nodded. "Okay." He would figure out the details tomorrow. That didn't need to be handled right now. He leaned back against the soft, navy blue cushions and tugged Abbey toward him. She followed his pull and settled against his chest as he lazily stroked her hair. "How are you doing?" he asked.

"It's a shock. But I'm alright. I loved him very much, but he wasn't a part of my life the way he was a part of yours. You're the one I'm concerned about."

He kissed the top of her head. "I don't think I've really processed it yet. We'll go to Manchester as soon as we can. I'll call my mother tomorrow once I know when we can leave."

"Okay. It'll be nice to celebrate Lizzie's first birthday with family."

Jed nodded. "We'll have a party after the funeral. Grandfather would have loved to meet her."

Abbey smiled. "He always sent her the most wonderful gifts. She would have absolutely adored him, I'm sure." She twisted her wedding rings. The Bartlet family diamond ring, given to Jed by his grandfather in order to propose to her. Josiah Bartlet had given them so much. Abbey didn't want to bring up the fact that he had been paying their rent in London. Jed would probably think of it and come up with something.

Before they knew it, a week had passed. Mary Bartlet had called with the news on a Wednesday. Jed, Abbey, and Elizabeth had flown to New Hampshire on Friday. The funeral was held on Monday, and Elizabeth's birthday was Thursday, April tenth. Abbey's family came up to Manchester from Massachusetts to see the baby, and Abbey finally felt like she could breathe.

On Friday, the Bartlet family all gathered at Josiah's farm to hear the lawyer read the will. Jed hadn't brought it up to Abbey, but he assumed that his grandfather had provided for them. At least he hoped he had. If not, they would need to figure out how to live in London for another year.

As the last surviving member of his generation, Josiah had accumulated a great deal of wealth from the long Bartlet line. Large sums of money went to each of his four children: Raymond, Paul, Lorraine, and Jed's father, John. Various items went to each of them as well. But there was no mention of Jed or anyone else of his generation throughout the bulk of the reading.

The lawyer pulled out a separate page from his briefcase. "Mr. Bartlet amended his will exactly a year ago today. 'To my eldest grandson, Josiah Edward Bartlet, I leave the remainder of the funds in the dedicated bank account to finance his life in London with his wife, Abigail, and their daughter, Elizabeth. Should these funds be insufficient during a period of three years following my death, the necessary amount should be deducted from the trust fund set up in Elizabeth Mary Bartlet's name. Elizabeth's trust fund, other than for the purpose detailed above, is to be left in the high-yield account until she turns eighteen years old. My farmhouse, the farmland, and all the property not otherwise bequeathed, I leave to my grandson, Josiah Edward Bartlet. My wish is that he and his new family share as much joy and love there as I have with my family.'"

The whole family sat in stunned silence. Jed was shocked. He had expected his grandfather to take care of them, but this was much more than he ever envisioned.

"Did you know about this?" Abbey whispered.

"He told me he was going to leave me the farm when I asked him for your ring, but I didn't give it any thought. But a trust fund for Liz? I had no idea. I can't imagine how much money is in it, or how much he left us for London. We'll have to talk to the lawyer. But I have no idea when, since we fly back to England tomorrow."

Abbey's heart sank at the prospect of returning to life there. She'd get used to it by the time they got on the plane. But an idea popped into her head. Maybe she didn't have to go back. Not yet, anyway.

Later that night, after they had their last dinner with Jed's family, and after Abbey had discussed her plans with John and Mary and consulted the lawyer, the Bartlets had to start packing.

"Hand me your suitcase, would you? I'll do your clothes first and then fit mine around," Jed told her as he opened one of the drawers in their hotel room.

Abbey sat on the bed, unmoving, staring at her feet on the maroon carpet.

He turned around. "Abb?"

She looked up and informed him in a strong voice, "I'm not going back to London tomorrow."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm staying here to help the family. I already talked to the lawyer, and he said Liz and I can move into the farm on Monday. I can take care of all the inheritance stuff over here. You're too busy finishing your thesis to deal with it anyway," she reasoned.

Jed's brow furrowed over his blue eyes. He was trying to wrap his head around this. "How long are you going to be here?"

"About a month or so. Depending on how quickly things get settled."

"A month!?" he exclaimed. "Jesus, Abbey, when were you going to tell me this?!"

"I just told you! I didn't decide this until this afternoon!"

"Oh really? You didn't already have a plan in mind to take my daughter and leave me?" he accused.

Abbey was taken aback. "When the hell did I say I was leaving you!?"

"Cut the crap, Abigail. You've been a nutcase for months. I should have known this was coming. I guess I didn't expect this opportunity to arise for you. Good for you for seizing it," he told her, his voice dripping with snide sarcasm.

"I am not leaving you, Jed!" she insisted.

"Sure as hell sounds like it. But if that's what you want, go right ahead." He wouldn't show her how his heart was shattering in his chest. Being angry at her felt much better.

"I am not leaving you. I do not want to leave you. You're my husband." She was hurt that he'd be so quick to assume such a thing.

"So what is this, then?"

She replied calmly. "I told you. I'm helping the family. Someone needs to be here to handle all of this."

"Abbey." His voice had that warning tone to it that he used whenever he knew she was keeping something from him.

Before she knew it, the rage and the hurt and the desperation all came bubbling up and Abbey couldn't stop herself. "I can't go back there, Jed. I can't go back to sitting in that apartment as I slowly rot to death while Liz takes her nap."

"What do you mean?"

"I hate it there. I hate our life there. I hate the fog and the stupid accents and the Queen's damn picture everywhere. But more than anything, I hate what you've done to me there."

"What _I've_ done?"

"Yes. What you've done. You've taken three years from me. Years I could have and _should have_ spent doing things for myself. I had so much potential, Jed. But I guess that's the thing about potential. When you waste it, it rots inside you with the stink of regret. I had dreams that I gave up for YOU!"

"Hey, this was not a unilateral decision. You pushed me to go to London to study. You're the one who said we should extend the lease for another year. If you told me you were unhappy and you asked to leave, I'd have left in a heartbeat!"

"I didn't think I had to ask, Jed! You didn't have to ask me to give up my whole life for you, but I thought that when you love someone, you're supposed to sacrifice. Well, I sacrificed for you. I sacrificed everything. And I'm not seeing much from you in return." He stared at her with wide eyes. His mouth gaped open as she ranted loudly at him, each word more painful than the last. "You know what I've come to realize, Jed? I love you more than anything in this world. I've known that for a long time. But what I didn't know was that loving you this much would mean loving myself less. I can't keep doing this. I can't value you more than I value myself." Her voice cracked. The tears were starting to fall now, but she tried in vain to stop them.

"Oh, Abbey." He moved closer to take her in his arms.

She shrugged him off violently. She looked at him and shook her head. A disgruntled puff of air left her lips. "You know what I told my mother yesterday? She asked me if I was happy, and I told her that you gave me everything. And it's true. You gave me love. You gave me Liz. But you've got your work and your thesis and your upcoming book and your degrees. And I have nothing. I never thought it was possible. But it's true. You've given me everything and nothing." Her voice was getting it strength back. She shouted as tears streamed down her face, "I have nothing. But you are everything! So no, I'm not leaving you, Jed. Because I can't. But I can't go back there with you. I'm done dying for you."

He stood in silence, watching her. She sat back down on the bed and wiped her eyes. Her breath was hitched. "You are everything to me," he said quietly. "Everything else, that's superfluous. I don't need that. I need you and I need Liz. You were all I wanted, Abbey. But not like this."

"No," she agreed. "Not like this."

Jed tentatively sat beside her on the bed. After a moment, she rested her head on his shoulder. They sat, unmoving.

"What are we going to do?" she asked in a harsh whisper, partially to him and partially to herself.

He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. "A few weeks apart will probably do us some good."

Abbey didn't respond.

The next morning, Abbey drove Jed to the airport. She parked in front of the departure gate and unstrapped Liz from the car seat while Jed got his suitcase from the trunk. He put it down on the sidewalk and stood in front of his girls.

"Have a safe flight," Abbey said awkwardly.

"Thanks."

"Call me when you get back to the flat."

He nodded. He turned his attention to Liz. He lifted her out of Abbey's arms and held her close. Abbey went to fidget with the car door to give them a little privacy.

"It's going to be a while until I see you, Lizzie. I wish it didn't have to be like this, but it's better if you stay with your mommy." He couldn't say anything else. If he did, he'd start to cry. Jed didn't kid himself into thinking that Abbey and Liz would be back in London in a month. He knew Abbey had been unhappy in London, though he hadn't realized how much. Knowing now, he wouldn't blame her for never coming back. Jed held his daughter tight. He didn't want to let her go. The next time he saw her, who knew if she would even remember him. He didn't know what kind of memory a one year old baby had. Abbey would know. Abbey read all those baby books. He hadn't. He'd been in school.

"Jed, you'll miss your flight," Abbey called softly.

He walked over and gave Elizabeth back to Abbey. He turned to get his suitcase.

"Can I have a kiss goodbye?" she asked.

Her request made him pause. She still loved him. Not enough to come with him, but they'd covered that, hadn't they? Jed turned back to her, still not saying a word. He meant to just give her a peck, but he couldn't stop himself. His lips crashed onto hers, speaking the words he didn't trust his voice to say. Abbey's mouth moved against his desperately. Liz made a noise and squirmed a little between them to keep from getting crushed, and they broke apart.

Jed turned and took his suitcase and walked away without saying anything. He couldn't. As it was, the salt of her tears was still on his tongue. Before he knew it, his own were joined in the mix. He walked fast, hoping no one would see.

He didn't sleep on the plane. Nor did he sleep when he got back to the London flat. For weeks, he barely slept. He barely ate. He couldn't focus on his schoolwork. But that he knew he had to remain devoted to. Abbey had wanted him to continue his work. That's why she had stayed in Manchester with Liz, instead of asking him to stay with them. If she'd asked, he would have stayed. If only she's asked, he'd have done anything to prevent this. But Abbey was right. She shouldn't have had to ask. He should have seen. He knew her better than that. How had he expected her to be happy doing nothing but waiting for him to come home from school each day. Yes, she had Liz, but Abbey had never wanted to be just a mother. He didn't want her to just be a mother. If she'd gotten pregnant after medical school, like they'd planned, he wouldn't have expected her to give up her job to raise their children. Why was now any different?

He would sit at the piano, absent mindedly picking out melodies while Lucky slept on the piano bench beside him. He couldn't play like Abbey, but he was getting better. He had a lot of time to practice, now that he only slept an hour or so at a time, and he had no wife or daughter to occupy him. Abbey had sent a few letters with updates on the family and telling him about Liz's teeth coming in, but it wasn't the same. Nothing was the same. It had been three weeks, and Jed now understood what Abbey had said about life in London being like a slow death.

A rustle came at the door. The jingle of keys. The scratching on the lock. The squeak of the doorknob. Jed stood up to investigate.

Abbey opened the door to the flat and breathed in the familiar scent. She shifted Liz in her arms as she picked her bag up. When she looked up, she saw Jed standing there, staring at her.

"Yesterday, Liz pointed to the picture of you on my bedside table and said 'Daddy.' And she took her first steps to walk over and pick it up. You missed it." That was all the explanation Abbey gave, but Jed knew what she was saying.

"How long are you staying?" he asked in a strained voice.

"We've got the lease here through next year."

They looked at one another for a beat before Jed admitted, "I missed you."

"Me too."

"I don't know how to live without you. I mean, I'm standing here breathing, but I genuinely don't know how do more than go through the motions without you."

She nodded. "Me too."

"I want us to be together. I want us to be happy. And I'll do anything to make that come true."

Tears welled up in her eyes as she nodded. "Me too."

And that was all Jed needed to hear. They both wanted the same thing. They both wanted to work for it. He spanned the distance between them and kissed her. After a moment, he turned his attention to Elizabeth. Abbey let him take their daughter and hug and kiss her to make up for the lost time. Liz giggled and said "Daddy!" Abbey brought her suitcase inside and closed the door behind her. Lucky wandered over and she picked him up to join Jed and Liz on the couch. Jed was still focused intently on the baby. Abbey kissed the cat's furry head and whispered, "It's all going to be alright now. We'll make it better this time." Jed caught her eye and smiled. She smiled back. And she knew she was right.


End file.
